Until we get home

I'm blacking the windows out for the last time. Laying on my bed in the middle of the yard, this house doesn't feel like home anymore. I've emptied it out in hopes of finding the solace that used to lurk. Hovering over a wine stained carpet, I feel lost. My feet stay planted while my heart is long gone and my head is in the storm clouds. The clouds that turn day into night. The kind that make every desolate moment resurface. She's working late and I'm working on my composure. My mind is running amok with thoughts to tough to think. Thoughts even tougher to evacuate. This house is not a home. Just a place to play house. This house creaks with the cries that were muffled, the wind blows through the cracks with thoughts that could only escape in soft sighs. These bones shake when you come close. Hold me anyway, just until I open my eyes. Just until we get home.

This is a Just Tangent

29 days from now, I should be waking up next to my girlfriend in a house filled with boxes and misplaced furniture. I should be able to hear silence. I should feel some sort of comfort. Right now I'm everything short of comfortable. This move cannot come sooner. I feel myself drifting off from everyone lately. I feel as if there is a sliding glass door between me and the world. I see everyone smiling, I think I can almost hear them laugh, but nothing feels connected. I've been struggling to find my footing in social situations lately, clumsily holding onto anything fixed to the ground.

I don't necessarily feel like I'm the only one doing this though. I'm watching silently, as everyone else presses on in hopes of finding composure. The people closest to me in particular.

I see you trying. I really do. But I'm not believing you as much as you think I do. I can only believe you as much as you believe yourself. It hurts watching the wheels turn behind your eyes, but there's nothing I can really tell you to make you believe this move will be good for me. Good for the whole family. But you can only believe me as much as I believe myself I suppose. Sometimes change appears to me as betrayal, which hurts because I'm only of the most loyal hearts.

And I see you, going about your days, moving around me in a silent dance. We acknowledge each other, smile and make jokes, but ultimately try our best not to look too deep into one another. I'm not sure how much this will affect you, or our relationship, but I can only hope it makes us stronger. I can't lose what I have left of you.

And you, my heart aches because of you, or for you, I'm not exactly sure which. I've written much more than this, but it's been erased and re-written until fear won.

I'm just more than ready to get on with my life, to start living again. I've been at a standstill for so long that my shoes have melted into the ground. I want to let go and enjoy what I have going right now so badly, but I don't exactly know what it is that I have going.

To be blatantly honest, I just want to feel accounted for, I want to feel like some form of effort has been put in to assure that I feel adequate. I just want to feel considered. It's not something I usually feel, and I think it's time for a refresher. I may sound incredibly selfish, and that's fine. But I think I'm just missing the idea that for one day, my happiness is someone's number one goal. I think I do that for so many other people that it's only fair. But maybe its not fair. I don't really know how to separate these things anymore. I feel love from some people, I do. I just don't exactly feel like it brings anyone joy in trying to make my day. I just want to love everyone as much as possible, and feel that love being reciprocated.

I want to laugh from the pit of my stomach. I want to eat amazing food. I want to take too many pictures. I want to drink the finest brews. I want to have so many conversations that I can't remember them all. I want to spend my time with people who appreciate these things.

I want my girlfriend to be crazy about me, even after all these years.

I want to stay up too late, and study too hard. I want to love even harder, and worry much much less. I want the satisfaction of knowing the circles under my eyes aren't for nothing. "Don't whine, Drink wine" I want to never stop writing. I want to learn how to stop thinking though.

I want my friends to never fade, even the oldest of friends.

I want to realize that my youth is still prevalent, and vital in my next couple years. I want to take advantage of the fact that after school, I will never be young again. I want to use that knowledge to my benefit, and have no regrets when I look back at who I am now.

Above everything, I want to stop wanting. I want to know that a "want" is just a small measure of time between an idea, and an action. I want life.