Stacking Up

Today I was asked what I was truly scared of. The subject is irrelevant, but my answer was the most honest answer I could come up with. That is, until now. I said I was scared of losing my pride, and in a sense I am, but what I'm truly scared of is not being enough. Enough in every sense of the word. Enough of a provider, enough of a friend, enough of a partner, enough of a student, enough of a person. I am scared to walk into something not knowing what will become of me, and what I can bring forth. I am scared to be legally bound to something that scares me from the start. Don't get me wrong I am ecstatic to be moving forward, but the road itself is unfamiliar. That, I don't like. I don't like where I'm at this point in my life, but it's damn near impossible to change anything now. Even more, it's almost worthless to attempt change when in a matter of months I'll be long gone anyhow. I don't mind my job, I honestly would like to keep it. But everyone wants me to do more. I'm scared of being a let down. I'm scared I won't stack up to what it's expected of me. I'm scared to be myself. Even worse, I'm scared to admit that. I'm scared enough is never enough, and I'm scared that who I am, and my limits, fall far too short of what I and they should be. Being understood is much harder than I ever thought possible.

Who knows.

I'm not happy. I've known this for a while now, but the intensity and reality of the matter is finally kicking in. Hard. I've tried every which way to find some sort of fulfillment in life, but either I or someone else shuts it down instantaneously. I am quite literally dying for social interaction, I don't care with who, where, or how. I'm virtually unapproachable though, and that sucks. My days are broken down from hours to minutes to seconds of sitting in an empty room, TV off lights off, mind is on full blast though. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen, but it never does. I leave the house on daily runs, hoping to find that missing thing out there, but it never shows. I wait, I search, no matter how I approach it, life is hiding from me. Happiness riding its coattails. This isn't some bad mood kind of day writing. This is an unspeakable feeling of deep isolation and mourning. I've lost who I am completely and I've shut myself out entirely. If I can't tap into who I am, who the fuck else will. Who else even can? I just need someone to sit with, I think. On my overpass, letting the sun fall and chill us both to our cores. I'm just tired of feeling so alone I think. Who knows.