The Endless Writings of Nothing in Particular: May 2011

It’s not me. It’s you. You’ve changed. Not me. You’re so irrational. You’ll see. This was all a huge mistake and you’ll come running back. Guarantee it.

She couldn’t hear me. Her plane was already speeding its way down the run, only to drift off into a thriving sunset. The kind of multicolored, burning bright sunsets we used to sit and watch retreat behind the unreachable mountains across a lonely highway near our home. The colors were beautiful, but I kept my focus on the sun, blaming the tears that were welling up on the blinding light it provided. The tears were meant for her though. The tears were actually meant for me. I just hadn’t known it yet. I was still determined that she would, in no time, be back home with her bags, sobbing in my arms mumbling something about how foolish she had been. I was the foolish one though, and I had to get a grip on exactly what I had done wrong.

“You know what your problem is Kris? You are a habitual fucking liar. I can’t even believe you when you tell me what you had for lunch anymore. I don’t believe a fucking word you say, and I never will. I hope you get your shit straight one day. I’m not going to sit here and hold my breath though. I’m done. I have a flight tomorrow evening back home to my mothers. I’ll be staying at Mike and Amy’s tonight, and don’t fucking dare try to come by.”

Those were the last words out of Jessie’s mouth to me last night. I sat in my computer chair staring at the screen the entire time. I wouldn’t dare give her the satisfaction of seeing how deeply her words were cutting through me. Also, she would get furious if I had nothing to say back after a rant like that, so I stayed silent just for the satisfaction of seeing how deeply she was hurt that I wasn’t begging her to stay, and that I would change and everything would go back to normal.

I heard the door slam shut downstairs after she shot one final “Fuck you Kristine, just fuck you” at me.

She knows better than to call me that.

It was late, and I was tired, but I stayed up, the Coke and Amaretto filled me with enough sugar to balance out the pure mental and emotional exhaustion that she laid upon me. I was on Facebook, scrolling through statuses, creeping on comments and pictures. Doing everything but socializing on the one site that was strictly created for socialization. My mind was blank, my eyes just hungered for distraction. In fact, my mind was filled with so much shit it was incomprehensible, so my thought process kind of went out the window.

I got myself into this, I know that. I can’t admit it though.

It all started when she called me at work yesterday, to find out that I hadn’t come in, or been scheduled at all for that matter. I didn’t bother to tell her exactly what I was doing, for the record. But assuming I had left home dressed in my upper casual work attire, it was fair for her to believe that I was heading to the office. As far as she is concerned, I’m either working or at the gym. Two entirely different sets of clothes. I held more secrets than a confessional, however. Ones that I thought would ruin us for sure, but I had to come clean.

This is never what I meant it to be in the beginning.

We had been together for nearly 5 years, we had a small home together and 3 dogs. We had bills together, a bank account together. Everything that was mine was hers and vice versa. We were your typical married couple, minus the ability to marry. We were in our early twenties when we met. We had mutual friends that to this day, I believe had planned to hook us up from the get go. I hadn’t met her prior, but they talked about her constantly to me. She sounded like a dream girl, and if she was in fact real, there had to be something seriously wrong with her. They had talked her up as if she was flawless. That was just impossible to me.

I arrived at Mike and Amy’s house one night for dinner. They claimed it was just a few of us getting together, nothing out of the ordinary. When I walked in however, there she was in the dining room. Stunning. Sitting there with a glass of white wine in one hand, chatting on with Amy about some sappy prime time show that I hated. I knew it had to be her, I had never seen her before and it was unlikely for me to not know any of Mike and Amy’s friends. She was the infamous one though, Jessie. Her dark brown hair gently bounced against her back and shoulders, curling in areas but looked fairly untamed. She wore a plain gray fitted shirt, and jeans that looked as if she had them forever, worn on the thighs, and a small hole on the right knee. I wasn’t staring too hard but I noticed it when she crossed her legs. She had her head cocked to the side so she didn’t see me enter, but I didn’t want her to catch me in the doorway just staring. I headed over to Mike in the kitchen to avoid walking directly passed them and rudely not saying hello or introducing myself.

“Mike! Where is everyone?”

“This is everyone” he said with a small chuckle and a smirk that told me this was a set up for sure.

Sure their home wasn’t large, but 4 people at a 6 seated dining room table, I would have thought they would try to make this less obvious. That isn’t their style though, I knew that already.

“I’m taking that that’s Jessie chatting away with Amy?” I didn’t want to be a complete fool and come to find out its Amy’s sister from Seattle or something.

“Haha yeah, that’s her alright, figured you guys should meet eventually. Considering, you know, you have similar interests or whatever.”

“Similar interests like women. Smooth Mike, real smooth use of your verbal skills. I hope you know that it takes more than just one ‘similar interest’ to get me anywhere near interested.”

“Well see Kris. Wine?” I had beaten him to the bottle before he could even finish his sentence. He chuckled and patted me on the shoulder with that ‘It’s not going to be that bad’ kind of pat.

I’m going to need all the wine I can drink tonight.

Mike was a decent cook. I found it nice that he made it a point to never have Amy cook, considering she was the head Chef in an upscale restaurant near downtown Chicago. The city was a good hour drive from our quaint little suburb however, so Mike did his best to keep her off her feet and out of the kitchen as much as possible. That’s what I loved about Mike, never worried about gender roles. I think that was the best thing about their relationship, they evened each out awfully well. I was never able to attain that type of balance in prior relationships. I had just gotten out of college though, why I thought I’d be as settled as they were at the time, I have no idea.

“You all done in there babe?”

“Yeah, just about, Kris will help me bring everything in so just sit tight!”

He was so sweet with her, I wanted to find someone just like him. A female version of Mike? That didn’t sound all too bad to me. Well that night I found just that, greeting her with oven mitts and some spinach and cheese casserole or something, my mind is a little fuzzy now on a few minor details.

“Oh, I hadn’t realized anyone else showed up! I apologize, my name is Jessie.” When she smiled she squinted and little lines emerged from the corners of her eyes. I was in a momentary trance examining her beauty until I realized she had her hand out, expecting a formal handshake in return. I had set the casserole down, not noticing I was still holding it, and shook her hand with my head lowered just enough to casually hide the infatuation in my eyes.

I still have these fucking oven mitts on! Oh god l look like an idiot.

As I pulled away I slid the mitts off as quickly as I could, I knew I was blushing. She continued to smile holding back a light giggle, I hate being laughed at. Turns out she found it adorable, and she definitely knew I was nervous. Almost as nervous as she was. I knew none of this at the time, so I headed back into the kitchen to gulp down the last of my second glass of wine, and fill up once more, for safe measure. I stepped out the back door to take a few drags off a cigarette and mid-puff, Amy walked into the kitchen to grab another bottle of wine for the table.

“Jesus Kris, you alright?” her little blonde bob of a head was poking out the door. I took another big gulp of my wine to avoid answering right away. No one had seen me drink more than a few glasses of anything and she could tell that tonight was going to be different.

“This set up is going great already, huh?!” I tried to keep my voice lowered but she could hear the frustration and anxiety pulsing up with every syllable.

“Kris, that is not what this is. I don’t know what Mike told you but I just wanted you two to meet, Jessie seemed excited at the thought of meeting you. You know we’ve talked you up quite a bit as well.” I did not know this. “We are not trying to push either of you into anything, I just figured you should be getting to know more people…you know?”

She knew I rarely went out, if I did I was never alone. It seems to be easier to hang on to the people you have, rather than find new ones. Even though I was upset about the whole ordeal, I was curious about this girl. So I headed back to the dining room.

Dinner was good, small talk went well. I found out that Jessie was 23, worked in human resources for some plastic factory in a nearby town. She found out that I wasn’t sure what I was planning to do. I had a degree in business and marketing, but no employers were biting at the moment, so for the time being, I worked the sales floor for a furniture gallery in town. It was a brisk walk from my studio that sat above a small coffee shop in the local square, so I got my daily exercise in at least.

What a catch I am, huh? Fucking loser.

“Well at least you can get furniture for cheap! You know, when you move into a place that actually has room for furniture, haha.”

Shut up Mike, I bought you this table as a house warming gift last spring, I have no problem hauling it home and using it as a bed frame.

“Yeah, but I have no use for a bigger place, my apartment is perfectly sized for me.”

“Studio…” Jessie corrected me. It would have seemed rude if she didn’t have such a lighthearted quality to everything she did.

She smiled, I smiled. “Yes, studio. Thank you.”

Dinner had been done for a while, but the wine kept coming, accompanied by more and more jokes and flirting between Jessie and myself. It had to have been at least 20 minutes that had gone by before we realized that Mike and Amy had retreated to the kitchen with the dishes. I vaguely remember her making some crack at how she knew they would get us alone one way or another, just before I felt her reach for my arm. She was on the left of me and she said she noticed that my hands shook when I was eating. Examining my hand and caressing my arm carefully, she asked why.

“Nerves. I just uh, get pretty nervous in these types of situations.” She ignored the awkwardness of my voice, thank god. Nervous was an understatement. Panic is more like it.

“Types of situations like what exactly?”

She slid her hand under mine, cupping it on the bottom with her right hand and softly rubbing the top with her left. I hadn’t realized how much closer she had gotten. I still had one hand on my glass, taking a sip in the moments we said nothing.

“Just you know, meeting new people. It makes me nervous.”

She made me nervous. A different nervous than what I was describing though. She gave me the chills that would shoot up my spine, starting at the small of my back. She made my stomach warm and tingle…that also could have been the wine. She made it hard to sit still. She made me nervous because even through the bottom of my wine glass during my last gulp, she looked gorgeous.

Shit, I’m too drunk for this.

“I know what you mean, I was really nervous earlier, before you came. I saw you walk in but I didn’t know how to bring myself to say hello…so I just continued on with Amy”

This made me feel a bit better.

“I like this though, I really have enjoyed tonight. I’m glad you came by.”

If she only knew that if I had known she’d be here, I would be at home sober and sound asleep.

“Me too.” I kept my focus on her mouth, the way her lips gently pressed the side of her glass, the way she pulled them in to moisten them a bit, letting go of the bottom one last, slowly biting on it as it returned to its normal position.

I kissed her.

She kissed me back.

It’s all downhill from here. Tomorrow she will be gone.

This wasn’t college anymore though, I still hadn’t had a grasp on the concept that what goes on in college, is an entirely separate world in itself. Society doesn’t work the way college does. I was tired of one night stands, and I had never had a successful relationship up to that moment.

Pulling back with a smirk, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand she starts, “How far do you live? I mean if you need a ride home I’m fine to dri…”

“About 7 blocks. I was probably going to walk, I know when too much is too much to drive.” I didn’t mean to interrupt her.

“Well it’s too cold to walk! I’ll take you, no problem with that, right?”

It was damn near 50 degrees. It was wonderful outside. I played along though, “Yeah, no problem at all. I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.”

Where the hell are Mike and Amy?

I untangled the mess of our legs and hands and got up to walk into the kitchen. Mike and Amy were at the kitchen table holding hands, looking tired, but in love. Mike’s right hand had made a fist for his cheek to rest on, pulling up on his skin giving him silly looking smirk on one side.

“Jessie is gonna take me home…I’ll walk over in the morning to pick up my car…”

Those bastards, they planned this all along. Whatever, it’s been a while since I’ve had company so I should be grateful.

They just smiled. “Hey you know what, leave your keys here, Amy and I are going out to her mother’s early tomorrow morning so I’ll just drop your car off on the way out of town. Sound good? Keys will be in the mailbox, I promise I won’t wake you.”

It was things like this that made me know I could count on Mike for everything. We met my freshman year in college, he was a junior at the time and apparently took a few years off to “find himself” so he was a good 6 years ahead of me in life. I liked it though, he felt like a big brother to me.

“Yeah, thanks.” I tossed him the ring to the car keys, shoving my house key in my jeans, and went to get my coat.

I could hear Jessie saying goodbye to them, thanking them for such a wonderful night and whatnot. All I really heard was how sweet her voice sounded. It wasn’t squeaky or high pitched. She had a lower, smokier tone to it. It made me melt. She found me in the living room, staring at the pictures on the walls that I had seen a million times.

What I would do to have family pictures to hang on the walls of my home. The home that I can actually fit furniture in. The home that I don’t have to hang pictures of the family I don’t have.

“Ready?” she asked already with a cigarette in her mouth, waiting to light up once we got outside.

Smoker? Good, I hate those snooty smoking-kills-you-and-secondhand-smoke-is-even-worse kind of girls.

It also made her just that more sexy to me. She wasn’t overly feminine, kind of tomboy-ish, but it worked for her. She was fit, I could tell. I had lit my own cigarette as we began down the porch steps, trying to get the images of her laid out across my bed pulling me down onto her, out of my head. I didn’t really want those images gone though, I just didn’t want to go to bed alone and disappointed.

It was dark, but when we got to her car I realized she drove a Scion xA.

Oh god, a Scion? This girl is just getting better and better.

I love Scions, I still have the xB that I owned back then.

“Nice taste in cars” I said with a smirk seeing how she noticed my xB parked on the curb in front of the house.

“xAs take the cake, hands down.” I knew she was poking fun at my car, but nothing serious. Again, it was the lightheartedness in her that I couldn’t turn down.

The ride back to my place took no more than 3 minutes. I was more nervous in those three minutes than I had been all night.

“Just pull in right over here, it’s above the café on the left.”

Now what?

The square was empty, all shops were locked down and dark, the breeze was a little chilly but it felt good brazing my face through the window. A couple lights were on in various other studios but all was silent.

I’ll just be casual, right? Yeah…right.

“Do you want to come up for a bit? If you have to be up early, don’t hesitate to decline. I won’t be hurt.” I thought I approached that well. I was never that good at these kinds of things. At least when I was sincerely interested.

“Eh, I don’t know…”

What?

“No, no I completely underst…”

“I’m just fucking with you, of course I will. I’d love to see what exactly Mike was trashing on you so hard for.” Her eyes told me that was just an excuse. She had something else in mind.

I took her through the front door, up the old maroon carpet that smelled of mildew, and to a small door on the top landing. It took me a minute to fumble the key out of my pocket, but I was definitely sobering up, so I didn’t look too pathetic when I dropped it on the ground.

It was pitch black when we walked in, switching the light on the wall exposed her to my safe haven. I’m a very clean person, so I didn’t have to scurry to hide anything or shove trash and dishes into the kitchen area.

“Well, this is it pretty much. Around the corner is the ‘living room/bedroom area’, bathroom is behind you, and I guess this is the kitchen?”

I haven’t had anyone in here for a long time. This is nerve wrecking.

“I like it” she said with a smile. I took her coat and kicked her shoes under the table. She headed straight to my room. “No couch?”

“Uhm…well, if you can find a place for me to fit a couch, let me know. Otherwise I think there’s some room on the celling that I can bolt one to?”

That was a joke. I hope she got it.

She laughed. She got it. Thank god.

Jessie has always been one to make herself at home, right away. She sat herself down on my bed, picked up the remote and turned on the TV.

“I love msnbc, it’s always on and I like to know as much about our society as possible. Corrupted or not.”

She is amazing!

I sat down next to her, just close enough to where our thighs brushed slightly as I leaned back onto my elbows. We didn’t speak at all, she just sat hunched over, reading the rolling news breaks on the bottom of the screen.

This is not what I was hoping for…but just examining the curves of her back and having her in my house is satisfying.

“Do you watch the news?” she turned around bracing herself with left hand on the bed, damn near sliding her fingers under my hip.

“Well, it was already on this channel when you turned the TV on, right?” I gave a little chuckle as to not sound rude.

“Stupid question, huh?” she laughed lightly realizing what she said. “I guess we left our conversational topics at Mike and Amy’s”

She leaned in, shoving me off my elbows with her right hand, and kissed me. I knew what kind of kiss this was, not one like we shared just an hour prior. This was intense.

Well this isn’t exactly how I imagined, but hell I’ll take it.

I’ve always been the more dominate one. That was until Jessie at least. That was the first time a woman took me before I had a chance to take her first. She continued, mounted me and began to unbutton my shirt, rocking slowly against my pelvis. Apparently my belt buckle was in the way, so she didn’t hesitate to slip it off, and begin to unbutton and unzip my pants. One thing obviously led to another and in a matter of moments she taken me in, all of me. My drunkenness had completely worn off, and with each gasp of air my body surged with exhilaration, eventually leading to my collapse.

Oh my fucking god.

My mind was blank. Those were the only thoughts that I could formulate.

“Do you want me to…?” I was hesitant, each girl is different in these situations. She was no exception.

“You know what turns me on the most?” I had no idea what she was going to say next. Whips? Ropes? Some crazy psychotic role play? “Wake me up in the morning, with fresh fruit, coffee, and an unlit cigarette. Fuck me better than you’ve ever thought you could, then breakfast, then coffee, then a smoke, and you will have me. Hands down. I think you’ve had all you can take tonight.”

She was forward, in the most delicate sense. I took her serious though, because she looked awfully serious.

She took all of her clothes off, crawled under the blankets, and pulled the sheets down inviting me in. I had never met a woman like her before. In all of my life. I had to have her, I just had a lot of things I was unsure of in my life, and I figured I should let her in about it before I let this get too intense.

It was right then that I know now I went wrong. I never came clean. And that’s why I’m here now. Blogging about my long gone girlfriend, at the coffee shop below my old studio.

I dropped her off at the airport just a couple of hours prior to this moment. I can feel that with every keystroke, her plane is drifting farther and farther away, a thousand feet up into the air and thousands of miles away. One coffee after another, trying to speed up my brain to get me thinking about anything else than the last words we exchanged at the departure gate.

I said I love you, and all you had to say in return was “We’ll see who loves who when you realize what you’ve done.”

I meant it though, I love her. I really and truly do. It’s me that I despise. From the get go, she saw me in a way I never saw myself. She saw me as a short haired, charming, butch woman. I saw myself as a freak. I loved men’s clothing. Loose fitting jeans, tucked in dress shirts, blazers, V-neck sweaters, the works. I even wore boxer briefs. I was comfortable this way. As comfortable as I thought I could ever get.

As a kid I never identified with dolls or dresses. Give me a pair of baggy shorts and a t-shirt that could be worn as a nightgown and I was set. Soccer, football, racing bikes, those were all the things I love in childhood. The harassment I could have lived without. At first I was called a tomboy, elementary school. Then I was called a dike, middle school. Once high school hit I was called everything apart from a girl, or a boy. I was everything in between, and all I wanted was to feel like I was me. It wasn’t until college that I had gotten a hint as to what was wrong with me. Sociology 151, it was my first semester and I didn’t know anyone. There was a guy in that class though that sat all the way in the back, opposite of my usual spot. He didn’t really look much like a guy though. He wore tight shirts, even tighter jeans, long hair, and I’m pretty sure he had nail polish on once. I figured he was just another fag, like me. That wasn’t the case though, I soon found out. After class one day he approached me, friendly but oddly. Asked me something about if I was an FTM. I had no idea what he was talking about and he could tell. He told me that it meant “female to male”, clarifying that he was an MTF, “male to female”. Transgendered? Hell no. A bit insulted, I tried my best to politely correct him, saying I was simply a lesbian. After he shot me a look that gave me the impression he knew something I didn’t, we parted ways. We didn’t talk after that, we stayed in our usual seats, giving a slight smile and head nod whenever we passed each other in the halls, but nothing more.

Looking back at that moment now, I really should have approached the situation differently. Instead of talking to him, becoming friends with him, I ignored him and his attempt of bringing me to clarity. He was right, I was transgendered, he knew it, and I didn’t. I did however, begin searching information about being transgendered. All the stories were similar to one another, all the stories were similar to mine. I refused to let myself fall for such an absurd idea though. Being gay is one thing, but transgendered? I couldn’t bear to put myself through anymore torture. It took me long enough to admit I was gay to my family, as if they were surprised. But to lie something like that on top of them? Never. To this day it is hard for them to except who I am, or at least who I told them I was. I didn’t know any better at the time though. I liked girls and I liked being boyish. That’s all I thought there was to it. The part about me being truly unhappy every time I looked in the mirror and saw someone that I didn’t feel I was though, I refrained from telling anyone. It didn’t make sense to me. I figured I was born this way and that’s just how it was supposed to be. I was wrong. But I couldn’t admit that to anyone, even myself, until just about three months ago.

Jessie and I have had a great relationship these past few years. We had our ups and downs like any couple, but nothing that wasn’t easily resolved. She loved me and I loved her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell her about who I thought I really was, it was just that never could find the right time. There is no such thing as right times for this sort of thing though, I suppose. She loved women. She would comment on my beauty, and my body, every time she got a glimpse of me nude. She was in love with the god given curves that rested on my ribcage, the way my hipbones protruded when I laid flat on my back, the softness of my skin, the delicateness of my muscles. All of the things she would tell me she loved about me, I hated. I couldn’t break her heart by telling her that though. So I found someone to come clean with. I found a psychiatrist specialized in the LGBT area. I couldn’t take it much longer, myself that is. Suicide ran deep through my veins every time I had to face the person I appeared to be. It kept me up at night, it ruined our sex life. It was destroying us. I had to do something about it.

I would go to my psychiatrist, once a week, scheduling it right before work or on days off that I claimed I was going to work, so Jessie wouldn’t think much of where I was off to. I was slowly, but surely coming to grips with who I really was, and who I really wasn’t. My psychiatrist strongly advised of me coming clean with Jessie though, since this was going to affect us both. Jessie beat me to it yesterday though.

“Where the fuck were you Kris? I called the office and you hadn’t been in all day? What the fuck is going on?”

Oh fuck.

“What crawled up your ass? I never said I was going to work when I left the house?”

Smooth, instead of sitting her down and talking rationally about what I have been doing the past few months I shoot back with what will be for sure the beginning of a fight.

“Just answer me. Your cellphone has been off, you weren’t at work, just what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m seeing a psychiatrist.”

“You’re what?! What the fuck do you need a shrink for? When the fuck did this happen?”

I swear she swears too much for her own damn good sometimes.

“A few months ago, I’m not happy. I haven’t been for a long time. Forever I guess. I don’t know. Can we just talk about this later?”

Like that’s really gonna happen.

She changed her mood from furious to confused, back to furious, then slightly concerned. I wasn’t making eye contact, I couldn’t bear to. She could see the shame flowing out from me like a giant aura.

“Please Kris, just talk to me. I’m sorry for freaking out. You can’t blame me though. I promise I won’t do it again. Just tell me what the hell is going on.”

Oh, she’s gonna freak out again, I know.

“I’m not happy with who I am, I have never been. So I decided to go see someone about three months ago to see if they could help me out some. And they have. I just don’t really know where to go from here. I have a few options.”

“What do you mean you’re not happy with yourself? You’re a beautiful, wonderful, charming woman. What could be wrong with that?”

“That’s just it. It’s all of that. I’m not happy being who you see. Who you see is not me. I…I think…no, I am. I am transgendered. I look like a girl, but I’m not. I never have been. Not in my mind at least.”

“So you want to be a guy or something?! What the fuck is this? I don’t date guys Kris, I don’t fall in love with guys! YOU Kris, are NOT a guy! You have to be fucking kidding me. And you knew this the whole time? You’ve known before we even started dating?! I can’t believe you right now Kristine. I just…”

She walked out of the room. I knew this was going to happen. I should have told her sooner, so she would have never gotten involved with me ever again after that first night. I would have saved her all this trouble, all this hurt, but no. I was selfish and I wanted her. So I kept who I was in my head and who I was on the outside apart.

“Just tell me one thing Kris,” she walked back in with a freshly lit cigarette dangling from her mouth “what are these options you have? Surgery? Testosterone shots? Changing your fucking gender?”

“Or kill myself.”

So melodramatic and so serious all at the same time.

“Kristine you are a mess. A lying, deceiving, selfish mess.”

“Don’t call me Kristine anymore.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

She left the room after that. I stayed seated on the couch, shaking uncontrollably. Pulling the small bottle of anti-anxiety pills I just had refilled out of my pocket, I swallowed three. One day’s worth all at once still won’t make these tremors go away.

It was that night that she stayed at Mike and Amy’s, last night. She told me not to come by, but called me this morning because she needed a ride to the airport, both Mike and Amy had to work, supposedly. The ride to O’Hare was nothing short of emotional. I kept my tears quiet, and she kept her hand on my thigh. She loves me, she just doesn’t know what to do with me. I don’t know what to do with me. If I make my transition, in order to feel like me, the real me, I’m going to lose her. If I don’t, she’s going to lose me. It’s a lose-lose situation I guess.

“I’m sorry Kris, I really just need to go back home for a while. Until you…we, can figure something out. It’s all too much right now.” She meant home as in her mother’s home, in California. Far, far away from Illinois, and far, far away from me.

“I understand.” It hurt to say it, but I did. This was bigger than anything we had ever encountered before, so I knew it was going to be hard to overcome.

At the airport I hugged her goodbye as she disappeared into that tunnel leading to the plane door. Watching her plane pull away and spin off into the run, the tears began. I had to walk away as fast as possible and retreat to parking lot before I broke down in the middle of the crowded airport. I made it a point to stop at our secret little spot on the lonely highway near our home, hoping to find some sort of answer in the sun drenched sky. I waited till the sun fell asleep, leaving me answerless, to come to this café under my old studio. This is where I fell in love with Jessie, and this may be where I need to say goodbye.

The Endless Writings of Nothing in Particular

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Goodnight Lovers

We Were Friends, Once

Now What?

Tiny Worlds

Good Morning, Goodbye

Welcome Home

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Times Change